So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
