I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
the raccoons are back...
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