i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
