I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
