I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
