Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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