At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
