I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
my poor anus
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
