My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
