i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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