Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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