I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
