Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
