I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
