Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
