i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize