I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He passed out mid-signature
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
