Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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