I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
