I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
