dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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