I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
