Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
