I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
