how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sorry about my life...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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