this beer tastes like vomit already
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
as a side note pls kill me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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