You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
