Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
