Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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