if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
