Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
