her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
