No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just found puke in my bra..
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
