I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
