Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
