im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
