I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
