hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
