I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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