Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
