I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
