i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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