My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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