she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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