i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
