never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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