I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
