Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
