I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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