Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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