Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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