Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
