How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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