I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
