U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
