I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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