someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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