if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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