Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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